Validate Me!?

“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.” – Confucius

Humans seek to associate with and befriend those who think and feel the same way they do because it validates their own views. It’s comforting to be with those that think and feel like us. It makes us feel like part of a herd, and unity within a herd is comforting and reassuring. Fear is our biggest slave driver, and we would rather belong with a multitude than disunite due to our segregate views.

But here’s my question. Why do we continuously seek validation from those who celebrate our segregation? Why this constant hunger for Likes and Positive comments on Social Media? The never ending desire to please others and lose our inner voice along the way? The need for a Gold Star sticker, pat on the back or a sympathetic smile?

And here’s my observation – Most of us seek validation and feel so broken when it’s not received from external sources because we have become so disunited and distrusting of ourselves! We have lost faith in the magnificence of our inner power due to the external conditioning received over the years that encouraged us to look only outwards for support and strength. Until we finally forgot that all the strength, and all the answers, and every validation we required, lay within!

So let’s try out something different. Stop scavenging for praise, esteem or admiration. Tell yourself daily that the only validation or judgement that matters is your quest for your own authentic self. Stick to this pledge resolutely and you will realize that an amazing alchemy will start manifesting when you stop hunting for outside approval and endorsement. You will find it! The world is magically drawn to those who recognize their inner power and can’t be shaken!

And yes, one thing is for sure – you'll have lesser anguish, disillusionment and health issues when you stop seeking from others what only you can give to yourself!

When you finally learn to love and appreciate yourself just the way you are, you will receive the validation from the rest of the world. Although funnily by then, you certainly won’t need it!

All Beginnings come to an End...

“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.” – Kahlil Gibran

I love fairy tales for their magical beginnings. “Once upon a time . . .” “In the beginning there was . . .” Every story, chronicle, legend, or old wives tale commenced with these prized words that would fill my heart with anticipation and joy as I looked forward to an amazing fantasy ride with princesses, dragons, towers, faraway lands and a happily ever after finale...

Fairy tales taught me very early on that wherever the narrative transported me, however gloomy and arduous the plot, there was always space for hope, redemption and love. These tales brought out the optimist in me, and re-endorsed my belief that the sun will always shine after the storm has passed.

As I grew older and the grind of life caught up, the happy beginnings and endings of fairy tales became a distant memory. No matter how tough a situation, or how close I came to an end point in my personal or professional life, I had this weird notion that I simply mustn’t give up in the middle of a situation in the hopes of a happy ending, because I had started believing that there were no blissful endings. After all, those were just fairy tales!

But Life is the Great Teacher. As I matured I realized that I had little control over how my story began or was fated to end. I also learnt to gracefully accept that all beginnings must have an ending. Every candle must dim out and return to the darkness. Every bud must flower and yet return into the bosom of Mother Earth. The sun will rise to only set again. And everyone I loved would go back from whence they came.

As I learnt to let go of control and gave myself to faith, I also discovered the power of jumping out of the past, living fully in the present moment, and looking forward to an uncertain future, albeit an ending. I let go of negative people and blame games, and I stayed committed to the belief that no one controlled my fairy tale, but me.

I became a lot more cheerful with regard to endings. Instead of letting a tide of futile emotions submerge me, I began to level headedly acknowledge when a career, a relationship, or a life stage was completed, to absorb what it had taught me and recognize its significance to my growth. It meant sensibly departing from what’s over without refuting its existence or its importance to my past. It involved inculcating an attitude of hope, faith, and trust that every exit was a magical doorway, and that I was moving upwards in my own fairy tale, rather than down or out. 

Yes, transformations and endings are disconcerting and painful to those who resist change, but sometimes all you need is a total collapse to enable a brand new fairy tale beginning!

The Great Escape

“You can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.” – Juno Diaz

I always knew that I was an escapist at heart. . . I preferred fantasy worlds to the real one. Strange, but true. From childhood, I always had a knack of disentangling myself out of the harsh situations around me and immersing myself into a parallel world. Reality never wowed me. When mundane life bound me, I would find a way to escape somehow.

Everyone’s trying to escape. Even animals respond in predictable ways to avoid pain and punishment. Avoidance and escape are the two main categories of behaviour under unpleasant conditions. It is a "get me out of here" or "shut this off" reaction, aimed at escape from pain or frustration. We humans are but an evolved species of our little brethren. Mindless hours spent surfing the internet or television, loud pointless conversations, junk food, alcohol, drugs, anti-depressants, painkillers, sleeping pills, porn, late hours partying....it’s all about the Great Escape!

Whether it’s composing poetry, creating great pieces of art or trying to commit suicide, apparently all so paradoxical, it’s always really been the same – attempts at the Great Escape. 

That raises the big question. What are we trying to flee from? And what does this really tell us about the state of affair of our relationships and the society we inhabit?

There is a huge amount of pain out there. The picture perfect make up and smiles, clothes and sparkly accessories, flashy cars and ostentatious lifestyles, fun party pics and boastful tweets on social media can’t disguise the pain, confusion, anxiety and terror that everyone feels within. Millions feel embittered, bewildered, and anxious of a future that’s not yet arrived. Our tactics of escape delay us from facing our reality, but face it we have to some day!

That's the weird thing about trying to escape. You never really can! Maybe momentarily, but not entirely. Fiction books can’t offer real escape, but they can temporarily prevent you from going insane.  Writing, composition and painting is therapeutic, albeit briefly. Most of us seek companionship solely to escape the trepidation of being alone. But strangely, learning to be solitary is central to the art of loving and living free. When we can learn to be alone, we can be with others without using them as a channel of escape. 

So what’s the solution? Well, we must first recognize that the root of all pain exists within. Every action manifested externally, can find its source within. And we can only heal this source once we identify and acknowledge its presence. Learn to introspect and find a balance between what you can control and what you can’t. It’s about creating harmony between effort and surrender. It’s about realizing that you don’t need external affection or endorsement in order to be good enough. When someone judges, reacts, rejects, hurts or abandons you, it’s never about you. It’s about them and their own anxieties, insecurities, fears and needs, and you no longer have to internalize that and make it your fear. Your self-worth isn’t reliant upon the world accepting you – you are unique, and perfect in the eyes of your Creator. Who else then has the authority to condemn or judge you? 

Instead of defending your worth or employing tactics to be a part of the Great Escape, go within and discover your unique powers, talents and skills not to escape reality but to create it. Break down your imaginary walls, reach out to others equally in pain and jointly heal and transform the grief within. The Power of One allows us to see that it’s not just our individual pain we are trying to escape from but “our collective human suffering”; and it’s not me alone that will fix our pain, it is “all of us” jointly. Together, we have no need to Escape. Together we can Imagine, Create and Manifest the wonderful world we want to inhabit.

Change your Destiny with Faith

I finally comprehended the enormity of Martin Luther’s words, “Pray, and let God worry.”

To many people, Faith is a fraudulent phrase. A blind belief in some mysterious and arcane philosophy of yore. From childhood we are trained to understand that empirical science requires independent, provable evidence to support any fact before it is accepted as accurate. Faith, however, does not argue with the empirical mind which wants to hold truth in the same way as one holds a real object in the palms of their hand. Faith transcends the inquiring mind, and stands on a higher inner truth which lies at the centre of our core. Faith triumphs when the human spirit realizes that no one else’s certainty can be our own assurance. If we have faith, conviction arises but naturally.

Over the years, I came to accept the reality of not knowing where I was headed. And now I simply love it. When I tried to control outcomes, I was either disappointed with the results or simply unnerved when situations altered. The more I tried to control the end of the story, the more it took another surprise twist and turn in the plot. The difficulty didn’t lie in accepting the result, the anger arose from silently knowing that I couldn’t control my environment. A shocker after a lifetime of being trained to think that I was in supreme and aggressive control of every outcome. 

And one day, in the midst of a whirlpool of events, dialogues, decisions, emotions and just simply being exhausted, I let go. I let go of over thinking, authority, and apprehension... I just let go of my Ego and discovered an inexplicable faith in the universe. And it was in that moment of being thrown in mid air with no hope in sight, that my wings unfurled and I began to fly. And as I soared, I still didn’t know which way I was headed, but the marvel lay in simply unfolding my rusty wings and just letting go. I knew not my direction, but I knew the winds would carry me far.

My remarkable learning was that I don’t need to exactly know what is transpiring, or precisely where it is all headed. All I had to learn in that single moment of letting go was to acknowledge and appreciate the many possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to welcome them with faith and unerring trust. In my journey of faith I discovered that ever so often amazing encounters and situations come into our lives out of thin air. We can't always understand them, but we must have faith in them. It was tempting to revert to my old hard shell and question everything, but I realized that it paid to simply possess a measure of good faith in the intent of the Universe.

We are at our strongest when we no longer need to prove our strength. Have unwavering Faith in the bigger plan, and the Cosmos will stretch its magnanimous hand in your direction. Because you have changed your Destiny by simply Believing. And once you have made that change, everything will fall into place. But isn’t that how it was supposed to be in the very first place?

Yesterday I lost a friend, but gained the world!

All through my childhood I was taught when not to let go and why it was important to hang on firmly. Kites, balloons and mothers’ hands were created to teach us this all important lesson. The monkey bars and ropes at gym class explicitly taught us to hold on for dear life or plunge into an abyss of pain and bruises. Classrooms were designed to teach us that letting go equated to failure. And well meaning adults preached never-endingly about how relationships were based on self-sacrifice, clinging on and staying stuck, even at the cost of heartbreak, disillusionment and abuse.

Even though I evolved from a clumsy toddler to an independent, strong, mature woman, letting go was simply something I was not ready to consider. A life time of well-meaning counsel and conditioning is not easy to let go. A fear of condemnation and the unfamiliar made me believe that misery and the status quo was the better option.

Sometimes it takes heartbreak, defeat, loss of health, an unfortunate encounter or maybe even an enlightening book to wake us out of our anaesthetized coma and make us realize that we are worth so much more than what we're settling for. When we grasp the truth that clinging on to the past is like holding on to your baby walker even after you can walk. When we see the value of emptying an old closet of mind baggage, to finally receive the blessings of what we truly need. When we finally realize that when we let go of who we are, we realize the potential of what we can become.

In the year long process of letting go, I certainly lost many things including friends from the past... but I finally started finding myself. Letting go was a tough process of releasing old attachments and notions that no longer served me, emotions, grudges, fears, frustrations and disillusionments of the past that had weighed down my heart. I had to make a conscious choice to shed the ‘old me’ every single day.... to help renew, release, and therein be reborn anew. To my surprise I realized that Time was not the great healer....letting go certainly was.

So what did I gain from my purge. Well, I certainly attained peace of mind, balance, and harmony within. I won freedom from unnecessary internal turmoil, and reclaimed both my mental and physical health. Letting go also allowed others to take on greater responsibility for their lives and actions, and enabled me to break free from situations that never belonged to me in the first place. Letting go of people who had weighed me down for too many years helped me to finally soar high and pursue my own maverick dreams.

I was finally able to find my long lost self-respect, my faith in God and the universe, and most importantly, my voice!

A Quest for the Truth Within

If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation. – Jiddu Krishnamuti

I have discovered that I am a second-hand edition. I have existed all these years based on what I have been told, steered by the counsel of my parents, friends, peers, colleagues, desires, circumstances and surroundings. The media has certainly shaped, moulded and influenced me to the point that there is nothing original in me anymore. Nothing new... not a single part of me is original, nor any discovery that I have made for myself. It took me 45 years to realize that there was nothing unique, pure or lucid within me anymore! 

When I was young, I associated academic accomplishments and being part of an uber-cool peer group with self-worth. Well, turned out that obese kids weren’t considered cool...which led to years of low self-esteem and a phobia of large groups. Empty book shops and libraries became my cavern of solace. I convinced myself that aloofness and introversion was the new cool.

As I grew older I worked exceedingly hard at getting good grades, dream jobs, promotions, cabins, trophies and perks, thinking that everything would finally fall into place. Surprisingly, it still didn’t. I had shed all that unwanted weight, reverse aged and rearranged my goals, but I was still unhappy. In retrospect, all this sounds extremely irrational, but at that time all my choices and aspirations made perfect sense.

Yes, I certainly proved to the entire world that I was intelligent, but this “proof” seemed strangely hollow. I had spent so much of my adult life working toward what I thought were my important life milestones only to find out that they meant nothing to me. Instead of feeling a sense of pride and self-worth, I felt a sense of emptiness and loss. I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted, my goals, or even a sense of direction. I was a product fashioned out of the expectations of society, but somewhere in the midst of that turbulent pretentious journey, I had lost my original song.

And then one day as I listened to a bunch of colleagues rant on and on like a stuck gramophone record about how imperfect our lives were, the drudgery of relationships and life, and a future of evident doom, it hit me. This was not my song! This had never been me. My childhood song had been all about hope, love, magic, candour, courage and happiness. When did someone else’s mandate become my personal mantra? As I abruptly walked out of that conversation, my quest to discover my true self began.

Somewhere along the way, I had allowed the outer worldly chaos to smother my inner light and sense of true purpose. Rediscovering my sense of identity and soul purpose became my burning mission in 2016. The universe gauged my sense of urgency and stretched out its magnanimous hand. A series of interesting chance encounters, esoteric literature, healings and meditations led me to understand that the inward journey is an important aspect of our outer life. Whatever happens inwardly has direct repercussions on what germinates and reflects outwardly. The inner light and purity cannot be hidden, but neither can the defilements.

We mistakenly believe we can portray something we are not. That is not possible. The Buddha said that one only knows a person after having heard him speak many times and having lived with him for a long time. Most of us generally try to show ourselves off as something better than we really are. Then, of course, we become disappointed in ourselves when we fail, and we become equally disenchanted in others. The blame game begins, and a downward spiral into self loathing and revulsion in whoever we can censure commences. But to realistically know ourselves makes it possible to truly love. For when we understand ourself, we understand others...and out of that understanding comes love. The kind of feeling that offers the light-heartedness to any relationship or task at hand, which is so essential to the turbulent times that we live in. By accepting ourselves and others as we truly are, our job of purification, chipping away at the defilements, is made much easier. And our inner song is finally able to break through the pretentious din and clutter to radiate in its utmost purity and glory.

Script Your Sparkle

“Your current circumstances are part of your redemption story that the Universe is writing.” – Evinda Lepins

Life! It’s the only bona fide reality we face every single day. To most of us the daily drudge and grind of existence sucks. And yet none of us really pause to take stock of what really ails. We are so terrified and focused on the next negative situation that’s going to crush us that we forget to pause and just BE!

We allow our situations to label our state of mind. Our lifetime conditioning convinces us that our external circumstances define us. The voices in our head start whispering gently enough – “I’d love to do that, but...” or “I’m not that lucky...” or “I wanted to go, but...” Before you know it, these silent voices in our head become our outer shell and caustic persona.

If you allow your past or existing situations to label you, you can be assured that they will eventually destroy you. Your mind will become a possessed excuse factory which will spin out a million reasons as to why you shouldn’t take that leap of faith or crucial decision that could be a game-changer. Your mind will gradually convince you that you can’t change, that your problems are just too massive to be resolved, and that you need to slip into a coma of inescapable fated doom.

If you choose to be at the mercy of life’s events, then be ready to also accept that events have no mercy. However if you choose to change your outlook and attempt to make a change in your heart and not your circumstance, then you will be amazed by what can be! If you can choose to believe that the Universe is scripting a brilliant story that is way bigger than all those myriad pesky circumstances past and present, you will find the strength to transcend the grind and surge ahead into an inspired tomorrow.

Nobody who made it big allowed their circumstances to defeat them. None of the great ones were ever content to settle to the status quo. They opted to look at crushing situations optimistically and take control of their outcome. Their thoughts were the controlling factor of their outcome. They allowed the pain and defeats of their past to become their teachers to guide them into humility and service. The pain helped them look beyond the superficial and forced them onto their true path thereby crafting a destiny for the greater good. And that’s what made for greatness, and history!

There are no extra unwanted actors or roles in the cosmos. Your journey so far has been part of a greater story the Universe has been scripting. We are all here because we have an important role to play. Stop allowing a few negative situations to dim your sparkle. Break free from the toxic victim mindset and embrace the power and potential of your greatness. Stop thinking like an extra, and become the lead role. You are the Star of your Destiny, now start acting like one!